Many of my friends got engaged over this year, and while it is a happy time for them and a joyful celebration that ensues with each announcement, I have not been a big fan of those engagement parties. Partly because I am an introvert, partly because I don't know most of the people there, but also because most of it is just eating and everyone (especially the host) awkwardly trying to think of something to do or say. I guess I attend mostly to show my personal support for their engagement, but at times the gesture is the same as pressing 'like' on their Facebook status update.
Having said that, each party is quite different in the atmosphere, venue and theme, which sometimes works and other times are completely unnoticed by the attendees. But there is generally one common denominator for these parties (aside from food): the 'speeches'. In my experience it boils down to three stories about the engaged couple: how they met, how they got together and how the guy proposed to the girl. Sometimes followed by a Q&A, sometimes requested during an 'interview' of the couple.
The story that intrigues me the most is usually how it all started; when the guy asked the girls out. I respect that in our world that there are cases where the girl initiates, but I will focus on the majority scenario of boy asks girl out.
When a guy asks a girl out, there is often a gap in awareness of the significance of that action between the guy and girl. This is especially for two people who were not previously close friends or when the feelings are one-sided. For this reason, I think that guys should only ask girls who they know well enough before they consider dating.
I know that the new generation of young people (post-90s babies) will connect better through online social networks and may not need the physical interface as much as traditionally, but you still have to 'meet' them and 'know' some things about them apart from what they put on their public Facebook profile! Online dating might work for some but blind dates are definitely very risky business, kind of like throwing two unknown chemicals into a beaker and expecting rainbows to pop out of it.
For the guys...
For some guys, it takes not only a lot of courage, but much forethought and planning inside their head before they ask the question. For other guys, they may be treating asking girls out like handing in job applications for their first graduate job; ask as many as possible and hope one of them says yes. And some are just 'playboys', either with high self-esteem or an absence of long-term commitment to any individual; they just ask girls out for fun without plans to seal the deal for life.
I have come across guys who belong to all 3 category, myself belonging to the first, and perhaps it is because of this I take the action of asking someone out quite seriously. It's partly because I don't like being rejected, but more because I take the implied request very deeply. When I ask someone out, I am saying in a layman way that "I have met you and believe you are a potentially suitable partner for life, if you also share this feeling about me would you like to give it a try?"
I believe guys should ask girls out with this attitude, even if not worded like that, or even spoken. And this attitude is not just for Christians, but should apply to every guy who is looking into dating or starting a relationship. I won't talk about relationship boundaries here, because it's a huge topic of its own, but I would ask these questions to myself before I ask a girl out:
- how well do I know her and her friends?
- what is it that I can do with her as a dating couple that I cannot do with her as just a friend?
- what is it that I like about her, that only she possesses or she that possesses the most?
- how will our going out affect people around me?
They are not the only questions most guys think about before asking 'the girl' out, but I think these are more important self-reflection questions on our motivation and attitude towards wanting to date her. Every other question like "does she also like me?" and "is she a christian?" are secondary and in fact bad questions to ask if you are genuinely interested in her and nobody else. Most of these additional questions guys ask because they don't want to ask unless they have some confidence she will say yes. Nobody likes getting rejected.
I think as guys we should not be afraid of being rejected, and neither should we be discouraged if we do our first or second time. But if you do get rejected when you try, don't just take the rejection and sulk or drown yourself in distractions like games, sports or even pornography.
Just like most employers who reject your job application encourages you to ask for feedback, you should ask the girl why she said no. Perhaps she wasn't interested, or it could be that she was interested but wasn't ready. The easiest way to find out is by asking her! Most girls don't bite, and some are probably as afraid of being asked as you are of asking, some might even feel good when you ask them, even if they say no.
Getting feedback after being rejected is the best way to grow from the experience. Learn whether it was a problem with you or a problem with her that caused her to say no. If it's a problem with your character, personality, situation, background etc, it is something you might be able to work on. If it's her problem, then if you still wish to pursue her you can try and find ways to help her as a friend, classmate or colleague (whatever your current relationship is). Giving up and moving on immediately is the least productive way to handle rejection.
Having said that, there should also be caution that we don't take courage as thinking we "have nothing to lose". Every time we ask a girl out we are losing a few things:
1. We have to lose our pride.
We shouldn't ask girls out with pride because if we get rejected our attitude towards them becomes sour or we think it's "their loss". The reasons I said that we shouldn't pre-calculate the probability of her saying yes before asking is because it leads us to think that we are better than them, or that they should say yes. At the end of it our pride is hurt and may even damage what relationships we had with them before simply because we didn't get our way.
2. We have to lose our thoughts about other girls.
As many girls speculate, there are guys who do rank girls, and ask the ones at the top of the list first, and work their way down until one of the ones they asked says yes. We shouldn't ask girls out like that. Firstly, it is very degrading to mentally measure girls like buying fruits from the supermarket. Secondly, ranking girls means that you don't really have one in mind. If you truly want to be with someone as partners for life, you don't care about or compare with other potentials. This is particularly important for those guys who have been dating countless girls. Whatever your motivation for dating so many is, just remember not to objectify or quantify the girls you date. They are people, and arguably more emotional and sensitive people, and when you hurt them, it hurts! So even if you do go around dating a lot, you should not be measuring her against your previous dates. How would you feel if she talked about her exes and said you were not as good as them?
3. We will lose our singleness if she says 'yes'.
This might be an odd thing to say, since when you ask a girl out you already know you will become attached, and you obviously want to be attached! However being currently single and having dated in the past I can say that there are things you cannot do or can't do as often as when you are dating/partnered, for instance:
- time for guy things: computer games
- guy time: sports, hanging out with other guys without the ladies.
- personal space: your life is no longer just yours, and even when she's not physically around it needs to be quality controlled
- not care about other people: if you don't listen to what your girlfriend talks about, your relationship is going to suffer in both the short and long term.
Take your time to digest all these, but I share because I believe it is important, especially if you are Christian. If we have chosen to be Christ's witnesses, then witnessing through our relationship, whether you are a public or private couple (in terms of social exposure), is every bit a testimony to people around us as our serving the church or going on mission trips. If people see that Christians dating have the same problems (if not more) than non-Christians, then what good is following God's standards for relationships? Ask a girl out like when you chose Jesus as your Lord and Saviour: there may be many religions out there but it is because deep in your heart and mind you have already chosen the one, you need not choose any other.
For the girls...
Now that I have 'lectured' my own gender, for girls who get asked out by guys, there are a few things I want to recommend as well (it's not very long so if you had fun reading what I recommend the guys to do, read your own section too)! This is not because I'm a love guru, have the most successful relationship in the world or can read girl's minds, but because these are things I believe are important when you decide how to respond to guys asking you out:
- do your best not to gossip about guys who ask you out. If you are attractive, and many guys have shown their interest in you, good for you. But don't gossip about it! It is one thing to share with your closest friends and family that you trust, and another to just announce to everyone, especially online, and especially if you rejected them.
I have mentioned earlier that many guys are actually scared of asking girls out. One of the reasons is because we fear you spreading it around to your girlfriends or our mutual circle of friends/family. If you reject him and spread the word about his interest in you, it may ruin him for anyone else, especially if the one who is actually right for him gets wind of the news. And should you start to reconsider him as a possible partner, then he may never ask again because you have lost his trust. It doesn't matter if you know the guy is just a player asking every single girl out, it is your responsibility if you ruin his future love life after saying you want nothing to do with it.
- try not to say no immediately. It generally takes a lot of courage for a guy to ask a girl out, much more than they show because of their ego or whatnot. We are simple creatures, and simple things like being instantly rejected hurts us. Even if you are not interested at all, it would be gentler to say "you'll think about it" and then say no a bit later (but not too long as to pull them along). About one week should suffice.
- gently give an honest answer of why you said no. This is the counterpart to what I shared for guys to do if they get rejected by you. If a guy does ask why you say no, you should tell them, but with gentleness so if they are fragile you don't break them.
- don't say yes unless you are serious too! This is very important for your own good for the reasons you probably already considered before you said yes. Whether or not the guy asked you with a sincere heart or whether he was just asking you along a list of potential candidates, you should ask yourself the same reflective questions I suggested for the guys before they ask you:
- how well do I know him and his friends?
- what is it that I can do with him as a dating couple that I cannot do with him as just a friend?
- what is it that I like about him, that only he possesses or he that possesses the most?
- how will our going out affect people around me?
Dating and courtship are together the first step towards a relationship for life. For some it may not reach marriage, for others it may last longer than most marriages. However the first step is a good indication of how fickle or strong your future together will be. Just as marriage between two people can join two families, the courtship between two people can join two worlds.
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