En Passant

Have you ever been in a classroom situation where the teacher asked a student to volunteer and answer a question, and you thought in your head, “someone else can do it”? If you have, then you might have En Passant syndrome or ‘Someone Else’ Mentality.

En Passant is my idea of a habit of a young person to be reserved (not necessarily shy) in public, causing him or her to bypass opportunity in situations demanding initiative. “Someone else can answer the question”, “Someone else will do it”, “Someone else will help them”, “Someone else will do better than me”, “Someone else can go first, and I’ll wait”.

Such thoughts leading to inaction can occur at both large and important circumstances as well as the most unnoticed and minimal everyday happening. Another good illustration of this “Someone Else” mentality is to picture yourself in a shopping centre. Everyone walks pass this obvious large piece of rubbish lying on the floor making everyone detour around it. Nobody picks it up. Are you the person who picks it up and throws it in the bin? Or the one who detours around it and pretend it’s not your business? Don’t feel sad if you’re one who detours, most people do!

When faced with these situations and you choose to be passive and allow someone else to do it, you may instantly justify your choice of action, “It’s not my business”, “I’m busy”, “I might look stupid”, “People will think it was mine”, “It might have germs”, “The person who dropped should throw it himself” etc. It is far easier to create such excuses than to just spend the extra 3 seconds to do the task. Often this mentality comes hand in hand with procrastination, which is another major problem in itself.

En Passant Syndrome has evolved into a culture where the majority of people born into and after the 80s are carriers of this mentality. Why is it such a problem? Isn't it good that not everyone is fighting to do everything? Yes, in a sense, as society will be able to depict its leaders and exceptional easier and more efficiently when everyone else backs off.

However there are many reasons why this mentality as a norm has negative impacts on the individual and society.

Isolation of leaders

The select few leaders will struggle to do everything by themselves. Even when leaders emerge, they will find extreme difficulty leading a bunch of people who keep giving way or waiting for someone else to offer to take responsibility of a role or task. For example, a leader may ask someone to organise the next meeting, and nobody puts their hand up because they all hope someone else will do it, leading to the leader just arrowing someone. This situation may not be serious, but if you are a leader and you find your team unable to voluntarily function, how would you feel? Leaders can over time become discouraged and might join this more comfortable position of giving way as well with their leader and the problem will propagate up the leadership hierarchy (if any) causing immense de-motivation to the highest ranks.

Disinterest

By always letting someone else do it, your interest in the task or project will gradually dissipate. As you have given up the opportunity to participate, you will have to accept the outcome of whatever happens, even if you know you could have done it better. This leads to less and less motivation to be involved, either because the project has reached a point you can no longer play a part, or because the project has gone in a direction you cannot follow. 

In the view of church ministry, often when we bypass the chance to serve when asked, and someone else takes it, that someone else tends to become the same person, because the collective majority is disinterested in the ministry, forcing the minority to continue serving, and this leads to a disparity in experience/competency for the tasks within the ministry, thus further reducing the likelihood they will want to join in.

Regret

For some, they may have passed to opportunity because they weren't ready or because they think they're not ready. They may have wanted to do it, but by not grabbing the opportune moment, they watch it go by and are filled with regret and they are tortured by the realisation that what could have been may remain an unknown forever.

Lets look at a more popular topic as an example; dating. This primarily affects those who have interest in someone else. Suppose you like someone, are you tempted to think that “I’ll let her ask me out.” Or “I’ll wait till she shows signs that she likes me too”? Obviously there’s a love-shyness factor too, but this is one of the greatest problem of En Passant. By not taking the chance, you miss out any potential benefits. You never know; she might say yes even if she didn't like you at first. Those who volunteer are appreciated, but those who stay silent are never known. Coupled with self-confidence issues, people who are used to the “someone else” mentality will almost never become that “someone else” that gets the girl.

So if you have En Passant syndrome, how can you be cured? If you think that someone can help you, then you’re in for breaking news: you’ll have to be determined and walk out of the square yourself and take the hot seat. Volunteer to attempt problems in class, be the one to pick up the rubbish on the road, speak you mind when you see something is wrong, be that someone else you always count on to do the job!

When To Tithe?

The christian duty of offering (tithes) is currently a grey topic. Some churches enforce it, some encourage it, Some gives the exact 10%, some gives more, some believe we don't need to give exactly 10% (evidencing the fact that it's a figure suggested by Paul), and some believe we don't need to give at all because it's a voluntary action rather than commandment. So when do we tithe?

For those who are still studying and receive money as pocket money or support from parents, do we need to tithe? When pastors get paid a salary by the church, does he also need to tithe? Where does the tithe money go anyway? However to keep this entry under 2000 words, I'll just consider tithing in general.

The foundation of tithing (or offering) is that God has provided or been a blessing in our lives and that reciprocity (giving back) should be naturally flowing from our hearts. However the ideology behind this is that the money doesn't go to God, but to his unfinished work on Earth, through the church. Since most churches are funded primarily, if not completely, on the tithes of its members, it raises the question of whether a particular person should tithe using the financial health of the church as a criteria on how much to tithe at each opportunity.

For some people with financial troubles or strains, tithing would be much more challenging, and some even go as far as to view it on the same level as tax ('God's tax'). In a fairly unforgiving world tied up by legalism, politics and diverse range of moral benchmarks, many would fall into the realm of self-justification and say that tithing is optional. Whether their attitude or rationale is acceptable only God can judge, because God doesn't view wealth the same way as we do, and even between humans, views on wealth and offering are also different.

Each person's 'wealth' is formed differently. Some value time, some family, some money. Tithing in the money sense could be easy to one who doesn't care about money, but if they were asked to give up something that they do hold of high value, that is where they will be tested.

For the Christians with stronger passion, and daring to take their relationship with and faith in God to a higher ground, they would say that they place their future and faith in God so giving isn't a matter of difficulty by the world's standard because they place their trust in God. This is a very admirable way to view matter, and I have full respect for those who would throw away a luxurious or comfortable lifestyle to serve God's will.

Then we have Christians that have more in their mind, because they believe that God made them responsible of the things given to them. They are not wrong either because God called us to be stewards of his world. So how can one discern whether they should offer it back to God or use it wisely on other things?

To me, I think the approach to solving this dilemma has already been exemplified in the bible. Jesus said that the old women who gave her very limited, but entire wealth is greater than the rich man who pour his spare gold coins into the offering box like sand on the beach. And on the same notion, the first Christians shared everything they owned (Acts) and gave to each other as they had needed. Tithing is relative to situation of the person rather than the absolute value or format of their giving.

So what do I think about tithing?


1. Tithing needs to be to God's work, not God's people.

Christians typically give to God through the church, but if we find the church is using the money unwisely or putting it to wrong use, should we still give? Imagine a church that would spend $25,000 to convert their 80-inch projector screen to a 90-inch when they could have rented a few houses to provide shelter and bibles for nearby homeless people.

I personally believe that the action of tithing is not limited to just the bags that are passed along the pews or the collection boxes at the entrance. If we are committed to giving 10% we can give it to any aspect of God's work, and many people already do that. Some say that doing God's work is more than doing humanitarian work, but that's still something. We as Christians don't earn our righteousness. It is a gift given to us through Christ. If we donate to disaster relief or support a child in a third world country, it is because God has loved us and blessed us financially, and as a response we want to pass that love on to the needy.

2. Tithing needs to be cheerful and wholehearted. 

God is pleased with the cheerful giver. It is a very cliché verse to bring up but nonetheless true. Since as Christians we are already recipients of salvation through Christ, and there's no way to earn anything else, then why do we give like we have to? Tithing in any form is a worship to God, and a reminder to ourselves of who is the Lord of our life. It is a tax we freely and willingly give, not one we are obliged to give. Churches should not impose guilt onto Christians that don't give.

Besides, if we take the perspective that God created all things, then when we give we are just giving back what he gave us. We never had true ownership, we only have the free will to choose to give it back; again a simple concept that is often overlooked by certain churches who may accidentally convert this reality into a view that we are giving what formerly belonged to us.

3. Tithing is not a competition 

There are churches that are very proud of the material wealth of the church: surround sound, 90-inch projectors, top-end musical instruments and PA equipment. They say that it is a symbol of God's blessing and favour for the generosity of church members' tithes to God. 

Giving is not a competition, but rather a repository for greater works. One who willingly gives much and one who willingly gives little still gave, and what they give is collected by the church to take care of God's family and expand God's kingdom. When Jesus brought up that observation he was referring to the submissive and complete faith of the widow contrasted with the show-off attitude of the rich man. Yes, the widow gave 'more' in the relative sense, but who are we to say that the rich man should give more? If he gave more, like all his wealth, but was still filled with his show-off attitude, what is the difference?

4. Tithing needs to be wise and with conviction 

If you do not know what the church (or organisation) you gave your offering to God, it is equal to throwing the money off a cliff and expecting God to send a hawk to catch it mid-air. 

Similarly, don't tithe simply because everyone else is or isn't doing it. It needs to be a conviction from the Spirit within of what you should give, how much, to whom, and when. In fact, when God asks us to be good stewards it was meant on the macro and micro-social levels. How we spend our non-offering money is equally important to how the church uses our our offerings. Every dollar we waste is a dollar we could have given. This wisdom is important when we consider tithing.

As a student I do not earn much, but I can offer to God my results, by serving in his people in small ways, by being a light in the world. I do hope I can get through this year because it will not only be a milestone in my life and a lifelong impacting experience, but a chance to glorify God when at the end I can say that "my source of strength, my source of hope is Christ alone". I believe that line of witness is a greater offering than any material wealth we present to His altar.

After all, God sees the heart behind the action.

Asking Someone Out

I pondered for a couple of weeks what I wanted to write about for my first (actual) entry on this journal, and I guess being a young adult with a lot of people getting into relationships, that's what I'll write about.

Many of my friends got engaged over this year, and while it is a happy time for them and a joyful celebration that ensues with each announcement, I have not been a big fan of those engagement parties. Partly because I am an introvert, partly because I don't know most of the people there, but also because most of it is just eating and everyone (especially the host) awkwardly trying to think of something to do or say. I guess I attend mostly to show my personal support for their engagement, but at times the gesture is the same as pressing 'like' on their Facebook status update.

Having said that, each party is quite different in the atmosphere, venue and theme, which sometimes works and other times are completely unnoticed by the attendees. But there is generally one common denominator for these parties (aside from food): the 'speeches'. In my experience it boils down to three stories about the engaged couple: how they met, how they got together and how the guy proposed to the girl. Sometimes followed by a Q&A, sometimes requested during an 'interview' of the couple.

The story that intrigues me the most is usually how it all started; when the guy asked the girls out. I respect that in our world that there are cases where the girl initiates, but I will focus on the majority scenario of boy asks girl out.

When a guy asks a girl out, there is often a gap in awareness of the significance of that action between the guy and girl. This is especially for two people who were not previously close friends or when the feelings are one-sided. For this reason, I think that guys should only ask girls who they know well enough before they consider dating.

I know that the new generation of young people (post-90s babies) will connect better through online social networks and may not need the physical interface as much as traditionally, but you still have to 'meet' them and 'know' some things about them apart from what they put on their public Facebook profile! Online dating might work for some but blind dates are definitely very risky business, kind of like throwing two unknown chemicals into a beaker and expecting rainbows to pop out of it.

For the guys...

For some guys, it takes not only a lot of courage, but much forethought and planning inside their head before they ask the question. For other guys, they may be treating asking girls out like handing in job applications for their first graduate job; ask as many as possible and hope one of them says yes. And some are just 'playboys',  either with high self-esteem or an absence of long-term commitment to any individual; they just ask girls out for fun without plans to seal the deal for life.

I have come across guys who belong to all 3 category, myself belonging to the first, and perhaps it is because of this I take the action of asking someone out quite seriously. It's partly because I don't like being rejected, but more because I take the implied request very deeply. When I ask someone out, I am saying in a layman way that "I have met you and believe you are a potentially suitable partner for life, if you also share this feeling about me would you like to give it a try?"

I believe guys should ask girls out with this attitude, even if not worded like that, or even spoken. And this attitude is not just for Christians, but should apply to every guy who is looking into dating or starting a relationship. I won't talk about relationship boundaries here, because it's a huge topic of its own, but I would ask these questions to myself before I ask a girl out:

• how well do I know her and her friends?
• what is it that I can do with her as a dating couple that I cannot do with her as just a friend?
• what is it that I like about her, that only she possesses or she that possesses the most?
• how will our going out affect people around me?

They are not the only questions most guys think about before asking 'the girl' out, but I think these are more important self-reflection questions on our motivation and attitude towards wanting to date her. Every other question like "does she also like me?" and "is she a christian?" are secondary and in fact bad questions to ask if you are genuinely interested in her and nobody else. Most of these additional questions guys ask because they don't want to ask unless they have some confidence she will say yes. Nobody likes getting rejected. 

I think as guys we should not be afraid of being rejected, and neither should we be discouraged if we do our first or second time. But if you do get rejected when you try, don't just take the rejection and sulk or drown yourself in distractions like games, sports or even pornography. 

Just like most employers who reject your job application encourages you to ask for feedback, you should ask the girl why she said no. Perhaps she wasn't interested, or it could be that she was interested but wasn't ready. The easiest way to find out is by asking her! Most girls don't bite, and some are probably as afraid of being asked as you are of asking, some might even feel good when you ask them, even if they say no. 

Getting feedback after being rejected is the best way to grow from the experience. Learn whether it was a problem with you or a problem with her that caused her to say no. If it's a problem with your character, personality, situation, background etc, it is something you might be able to work on. If it's her problem, then if you still wish to pursue her you can try and find ways to help her as a friend, classmate or colleague (whatever your current relationship is). Giving up and moving on immediately is the least productive way to handle rejection.

Having said that, there should also be caution that we don't take courage as thinking we "have nothing to lose". Every time we ask a girl out we are losing a few things:

1. We have to lose our pride. 

We shouldn't ask girls out with pride because if we get rejected our attitude towards them becomes sour or we think it's "their loss". The reasons I said that we shouldn't pre-calculate the probability of her saying yes before asking is because it leads us to think that we are better than them, or that they should say yes. At the end of it our pride is hurt and may even damage what relationships we had with them before simply because we didn't get our way.

2. We have to lose our thoughts about other girls. 

As many girls speculate, there are guys who do rank girls, and ask the ones at the top of the list first, and work their way down until one of the ones they asked says yes. We shouldn't ask girls out like that. Firstly, it is very degrading to mentally measure girls like buying fruits from the supermarket. Secondly, ranking girls means that you don't really have one in mind. If you truly want to be with someone as partners for life, you don't care about or compare with other potentials. This is particularly important for those guys who have been dating countless girls. Whatever your motivation for dating so many is, just remember not to objectify or quantify the girls you date. They are people, and arguably more emotional and sensitive people, and when you hurt them, it hurts! So even if you do go around dating a lot, you should not be measuring her against your previous dates. How would you feel if she talked about her exes and said you were not as good as them?

3. We will lose our singleness if she says 'yes'. 

This might be an odd thing to say, since when you ask a girl out you already know you will become attached, and you obviously want to be attached! However being currently single and having dated in the past I can say that there are things you cannot do or can't do as often as when you are dating/partnered, for instance:

• time for guy things: computer games
• guy time: sports, hanging out with other guys without the ladies.
• personal space: your life is no longer just yours, and even when she's not physically around it needs to be quality controlled
• not care about other people: if you don't listen to what your girlfriend talks about, your relationship is going to suffer in both the short and long term.

Take your time to digest all these, but I share because I believe it is important, especially if you are Christian. If we have chosen to be Christ's witnesses, then witnessing through our relationship, whether you are a public or private couple (in terms of social exposure), is every bit a testimony to people around us as our serving the church or going on mission trips. If people see that Christians dating have the same problems (if not more) than non-Christians, then what good is following God's standards for relationships? Ask a girl out like when you chose Jesus as your Lord and Saviour: there may be many religions out there but it is because deep in your heart and mind you have already chosen the one, you need not choose any other.


For the girls...

Now that I have 'lectured' my own gender, for girls who get asked out by guys, there are a few things I want to recommend as well (it's not very long so if you had fun reading what I recommend the guys to do, read your own section too)! This is not because I'm a love guru, have the most successful relationship in the world or can read girl's minds, but because these are things I believe are important when you decide how to respond to guys asking you out:

• do your best not to gossip about guys who ask you out. If you are attractive, and many guys have shown their interest in you, good for you. But don't gossip about it! It is one thing to share with your closest friends and family that you trust, and another to just announce to everyone, especially online, and especially if you rejected them.
  
  I have mentioned earlier that many guys are actually scared of asking girls out. One of the reasons is because we fear you spreading it around to your girlfriends or our mutual circle of friends/family. If you reject him and spread the word about his interest in you, it may ruin him for anyone else, especially if the one who is actually right for him gets wind of the news. And should you start to reconsider him as a possible partner, then he may never ask again because you have lost his trust. It doesn't matter if you know the guy is just a player asking every single girl out, it is your responsibility if you ruin his future love life after saying you want nothing to do with it.
  
  
• try not to say no immediately. It generally takes a lot of courage for a guy to ask a girl out, much more than they show because of their ego or whatnot. We are simple creatures, and simple things like being instantly rejected hurts us. Even if you are not interested at all, it would be gentler to say "you'll think about it" and then say no a bit later (but not too long as to pull them along). About one week should suffice.
  
  
• gently give an honest answer of why you said no. This is the counterpart to what I shared for guys to do if they get rejected by you. If a guy does ask why you say no, you should tell them, but with gentleness so if they are fragile you don't break them.
  
  
• don't say yes unless you are serious too! This is very important for your own good for the reasons you probably already considered before you said yes. Whether or not the guy asked you with a sincere heart or whether he was just asking you along a list of potential candidates, you should ask yourself the same reflective questions I suggested for the guys before they ask you:
• how well do I know him and his friends?
• what is it that I can do with him as a dating couple that I cannot do with him as just a friend?
• what is it that I like about him, that only he possesses or he that possesses the most?
• how will our going out affect people around me?

Dating and courtship are together the first step towards a relationship for life. For some it may not reach marriage, for others it may last longer than most marriages. However the first step is a good indication of how fickle or strong your future together will be. Just as marriage between two people can join two families, the courtship between two people can join two worlds.

Why freelance?

There is this notion held by some that Christians are generally tied to a particular church, usually the one they attend on Sundays. I was one of them for most of my youth. In retrospect, more of this attachment was for convenience, as my friends were all there and there was this inherent normality in the way of Christian living when I have near-exclusive membership with one church.


However as the years passed my faith developed and my world view broadened, I not only realised there were millions of churches out there, but there were also thousands of variations of major Christian denominations (not including the 'offshoot' ones), which causes both dialogue and debate about all sorts of socio-political issues such as authenticity versus relevance of doctrine. This raised many serious questions during my undergraduate years, when I relocated to another city and 'had to' find another church to attend. 


With so many denominations and deviations within the global church, I felt I did not belong to any of them. If Christianity is about our personal relationship with God, I want it to be just that. Indeed there is many supposed benefits to attending church such as mutual accountability, fellowship and growth, and even Apostle Paul (in the bible) encourages us to "not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing" (Hebrews 10:25). 


However, from my experience of church it seems to be fairly hit or miss; sometimes certain members are neglected/excluded because he doesn't 'blend in', the sermons are often more focused on personal morality than social awareness, the bible studies are quite shallow or 'safe' which leaves both the intellectual and mature unsatisfied. While most of these shortfallings are generally justifiable or overlooked for various reasons, I felt I needed to independently advance further if I am to deepen in my understanding of who God is and what His plan is. 


So now, I am a freelance Christian. I observe all the different sermons, discussions, debates and activities of the churches around me, be a helping hand where appropriate, but at the end of the day my allegiance is not with the physical church. My allegiance is with the mysterious creator, who cannot and should not be contained or summoned but may enter the hearts of those who seek Him. 


I hope that this freedom will enable me to have a deeper look into some of the more challenging questions about christianity (or theism in general), from issues of predestination versus free will to the classification of abortion or euthenesia as murder. And I guess I'll do it here in this journal.